Many times, that does happen because people start thinking "that's who that person really is," when that may not even be the case: it may only be the case of what that person is like when they are mad or upset. There are many facets of personalities, and humans are not the best conscious thinkers in the height of emotional state. In fact, the adage goes: "The angrier we are, the stupider we are," and it couldn't be anymore true! So for those who think they may have seen their mate's "true colors," and are jumping up to pack their bags and haul ass outta there, do yourselves a favor: slow down and breathe, dammit. After all, not everyone's colors are entirely pastel-y and bright.
Simply put, it could just be a "false red flag." At the end of the day, anyone who can read this is human, and therefore, still prone to fucking shit up from time to time. This quote-unquote "false positive" can be strongly influenced by our perceptions, especially when those judgments are based on previous traumatic experiences: it could also be a misfire in the brain, which is usually caused by the hypervigilance of persisting disorder(s). (Or, all of the above.) Keep in mind that experiencing any abusive trauma from prior relationship(s) can distort our sense of judgment; also, it is vital to actively heal from any previous traumatic experiences before attempting to pursue any romantic interests, no matter how much we may like someone.
A new lover could also be masking some serious mental health conditions, like anxiety or depression (or both), which is easy to do when people first meet and hit it off really well. When we really like someone, and consider them for that next level, there is a chemical reaction in the brain so strong, it can keep disorders at bay for awhile. Fuck, I totally get it! However, when we begin to reveal our whole selves to another individual, it means being open and vulnerable, while trusting that in doing so, said person will still love us tomorrow -- without reservation or condition. (Which can be a real problem for those of us who suffer from these mental conditions.)
Look here, peeps: when it comes to traits, personalities and attitudes, we are three dimensional; no more or less than the world we peel back our eyelids to every damn day. It takes a long ass time to get to know someone on a profound level, and a shitload of mental fortitude. (Where I'm from, a "shitload" is a real amount of something. Don't judge me. :) For real though: we really have to like, and love this special person of ours to put forth said effort. (Although, the 'liking' is down right, motherfucking debatable at times. Anybody out there who plans on being a "lifer," you'll see.) The amount of mental resources we are committed to using will determine how deep our connections will be.
More importantly, having a strong sense of self-awareness will allow us to make proper judgment before deciding if someone is a good fit for us, and what we desire in a solid partnership; it will also allow us to hold ourselves accountable for problematic situations that can (and will) come up along the way. Self-accountability plays a huge role in any type of relationship, and can determine the longevity, interdependence, and overall infrastructure of any intimate partnership; we must check ourselves, in either good times, or times when it feels like it's too late...
... The funny thing about those kind of feelings is they are prone to change. In fact, they will change. But, what happens then? Do those thoughts and urges produced during that negative interaction still linger in the mind, even after that heightened state of emotion? If so, what happens now? There isn't a solid answer, but if we find ourselves in a situation to which we're introspectively asking: "How much do I have left to give to my companion, and our relationship?" ...or, "How can I make the situation better?" ...or even, "How am I making it worse?" -- it would most likely be best to answer one of those questions before digging any deeper.
If anyone is asking those questions, then they care more than they might've thought initially. I'mma say this for the people in the back: it is perfectly fine to be annoyed, hurt, frustrated, and if necessary, angry (A-F at times). Sometimes, our partner's actions warrant these feelings, but like with all things in life: there is a right way, and a wrong way to handle them. By making ourselves mindful of the options of what is acceptable and maladaptive -- righteous versus self-righteous -- just versus bias -- objective versus subjective -- we can also acknowledge the possibility for exhibiting toxic behavior towards our S.O.'s.
At this point, I may have lost some of you, which is cool: not everyone is grown enough in the mind for something like that to marinate and resonate. (If this is you, piss off and join the other snowflakes... ... maybe y'all can form a fucking snowball, but even that takes work. Remember that, or screenshot it. IDGAF. :) So, now that I still have the adult's attention -- yes, we can acknowledge the potential for our own toxicity. It's okay. We're human. We're flawed by nature, but not to a fault. We can learn to pick and choose our battles, to be less reactive (and more proactive), and break old, fucked up habits for good. We might be creatures of habit, but our brains are more plastic than we are habitual; the trick is we must be willing and able to open up for change to occur.
Change is inevitable. Whether it be by our own doing, or by doing nothing, change is bound to happen. That is the ultra thin, transparent barrier between fate and destiny: we control the outcome of destiny, and fate is allowed to just happen. Fate is a direct result of mental laziness: it's straight giving the fuck up, while throwing two middle fingers in the air and screaming, "Fuck it!" So, if we are pondering anything like the aforementioned questions, then the components for creating our own destiny are already there: any and all subsequent actions will determine whatever that will be. (Basically, this is the opposite of being a basic bitch about things. Suck it up, buttercup, and handle ya' shit!) Anything less than what we are willing to do for the desired change to take place, will be fatal to our desired outcomes, respectively.
When we ask things like: How am I making the situation better (or worse)? We are checking ourselves, and taking ownership for what's happening between us and our companions. Many people make the mistake of fixating on fault, which only makes the situation worse. It's easy as fuck to react, but if we want real resolution -- to control our relationship's destiny -- then it's important to check ourselves during every interaction, regardless of how this 'B' (or 'MF' for you ladies), is acting at the time. It may feel natural to react negatively sometimes: a good example is when our S.O.'s in a foul mood, and catches a fucking attitude -- for (what seems like) no good reason.
However, it's not always necessary to react the way we might want in that moment because more times than not, we'll forget about what the issue was even about anyways. (That will fucking happen, yo, and it happens a lot. Count on it.) If that's the case, then expending any energy will blow the issue way out of proportion, which causes unnecessary stress for everyone, aaaaaaand can cause way more problems than it would ever solve. Given some time, we can move past the 'what' in the equation, and get to the 'why.' The 'what' is the easiest thing to notice first; it's superficial, but the 'why' is where the main course of problems are. Once we get to that good-assed meat and potatoes, we're setting ourselves up to be sensible -- and flexible -- in creating a plan of action, drastically increasing our power of manifestation.
Straight up, the first step to change is being able to recognize your own bullshit: it's being able to look in the motherfucking mirror, and speaking some bold truths to the reflection staring back at us. Maybe it's having a good ol' mob boss-style sit down with yourself, and being brutally honest -- no mirror necessary. It's being able to check ourselves in the moment, and mentally stepping up to the challenge. In doing this, we are not only making ourselves better for our better halves: we're ultimately showing them they are worth stepping it up for. At the end of the day, it's merely an act of love, but investing in the small things for now, and during every opportunity thereafter, will yield great results in the future.
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